only assholes don’t listen to lcd soundsystem

A much belated part 2 of my amateurish critique of the music industry is as follows:

1. Air horns in rap songs

There is no quicker way to denigrate a rap song than to add unnecessary bells and whistles. Usually it’s called “overproduction”. But there is a disturbing trend I’ve noticed in a lot of popular rap songs: the inclusion of a blaring air horn in the background. Air horns are never not annoying, so it seems pretty odd that you’d want to include one in a song that you want to get played on the radio. Whenever you hear one, isn’t your first thought “who is the asshole with the air horn”? It opens up a world of criticism, particularly those hip-hop detractors who think rap artists are stupid and obnoxious. Obnoxious, maybe. But the stupid you can blame on producers. I’m looking at you, Drake.

While I’m at it, rap station DJs need to shut the fuck up. I don’t care who you are and I already know what station I’m listening to. Stop interrupting and play some damn De La Soul.

2. Ke$ha

This whore has had a bulls eye on her head for months now, but I can’t get over the fact that she’s still relevant. She literally has no redeeming qualities in both the musical and looks departments. All the money grubbing, fad-grabbing pop music before her seems tolerable compared to her “singing”, if you can even call it that. To call her an artist would be a gross hyperbole. I know this because I’m using lots of big words in order to sound smart. She is what happens when record executives listen to good electronica, then water down the lyrics and the quality of the arrangements in order to make it more appealing to young, shallow people who have yet to acquire a taste in music. This is a practice that’s been ongoing for decades but is nevertheless completely retarded. Please fade into obscurity, you epitome of everything that is wrong with our youth culture.

3. Weezer’s undying crusade to make everyone forget that they used to be awesome

It’s not unusual for Pitchfork to stop reviewing or reporting about bands once they’ve become unbearable (i.e. Kings of Leon), but one mainstay has been Weezer. Despite the fact that they haven’t given any of the Weezer albums since 2001 a higher score than 5.4 (out of 10), there’s still that air of nostalgia and hope that one day, Rivers Cuomo will snap out of his power pop psychosis and record something compelling again. But alas, the older he gets, the more ridiculous he becomes. On paper, he is a smart guy. He’s Harvard educated and he clearly knows what sound is popular with the kiddies and exploits is for vast monetary gain. But in reality he merely sinks to new lows in order to stay relevant. I doubt the rest of the band is complaining, considering they would have nothing if it weren’t for Weezer. But like my online indie rock overlords, I can’t help but harbor some love for the days when he was an insecure weirdo who made honest-to-goodness rock music… because maybe this is just some wacky mid life crisis.

4. Mash up artists who aren’t Greg Gillis

Just stop it already! You’re all missing the point.

5. “Bulletproof” by La Roux

GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD

Well that’s all I can come up with for now. In conclusion, I will leave you with the most pivotal song from your childhood.

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