all for the best

Have you ever waited for the rest of your life to start?

It’s a sentiment expressed in a lot of romance comedies, but to me it means waiting to move out and become independent. I’m still kind of waiting for that to happen. I feel like a lot of people my age already have their lives figured out. It’s probably not true, but it sure as hell seems like it. I got left behind.

But I’m not just waiting. I’m doing. Taking positive steps. Applying for jobs and getting jobs and going on interviews. But I am afraid of what I want most if always just beyond my grasp. Even though I do everything right, it could all go wrong anyway. Everyone seems to think I am going to get this job working for the park system. And it’s a great job too. Fast paced but fun. And I already know everyone. The interview went great and I think I am one of the top candidates. I really, really feel good about this job.

But then I remember that my brain is hard wired for negativity.

With every new situation, I think of different ways it could play out. For every positive thought there are five negative thoughts. It just happens that way. Every time. Since… forever.

And when I start feeling negative, I think that people are quietly judging me (because they are) and wondering why I’m 24 and still living with my parents and sharing a room with my brother and can’t hold down a real job that lasts more than 6 months. Well, I did get hired to work for Barnes and Noble, so that was a big plus. But what if they don’t hire me to be full-time? I can’t pay my bills with 20 hours a week. I have to work hard. But that’s only if I don’t get the park job, which I have a good shot at getting (or do I?).

Maybe my negativity seeps out and infects other people? It’s not a preposterous theory. Maybe that’s why bad things keep happening when I least expect them to happen.

“The more I try, the more I cry. But it’s all for the best”

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