games for days

I’ll get the random shit I usually save for the end out of the way: what the fuck is up with toothbrushes these days? I got a new one yesterday, and it has a “tongue freshener” and the head is zig-zagged to “conform to my teeth”. Whoever makes these things honestly just bends the fuck out of them and says it specially designed to get hard to reach areas. I had no idea that there was an area that was hard to reach in my mouth! I’m not a whale. If it has bristles and isn’t pink, I’m going to use it to brush my teeth. I’m not paying $7 for a wacky looking plastic stick. Fuck you, Crest.

If I told 14-year-old me that the $30 I had intended to use to purchase a video game was instead spent on books, he would probably call me a nerd and then sit in his room and wonder what it would be like to kiss a girl who never liked me (I was a strange kid). But yeah, I bought Watchmen and The Fall today in hopes of stimulating the few brain cells I have left, but also because I prefer my summer reads to be about existentialism. I’ve read more books this summer than in any previous year already (three) and I’ve got a few more on my list to get through. After reading 50 pages or so of Watchmen, I can see what all the fuss was about. It’s very well written, and good dialogue is what I appreciate the most in a story. I’m sure by the time I’m finished, I won’t want to see the movie.

After I bought my books, I decided to indulge in a little crass consumerism by eating at McDonald’s. It was during my 800 calorie treat that I realized that I am my own worst enemy… intellectually speaking, of course. I say this because last night I saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. I saw this movie for two reasons. One, I heard through various blogs that it was an absolute train wreck of a movie that flirted with the idea that the intended viewing audience is retarded and I just had to see it for myself. The other reason was that AEA wanted to see it I wasn’t going to say no. I was not going to let my personal taste ruin another good time. Besides, what’s the harm in a popcorn flick?

But I committed the cardinal intellectual sin: I did something to be ironic. I gave $10.50 to a movie studio which may have produced the most quintessentially formulaic movie of all time. I swear to you all, it was like watching a shot for shot remake of Team America: World Police, except that it wasn’t supposed to be a joke. By giving Paramount my money, I supported their campaign of celluloid terrorism because I thought it would be funny. Even though the movie help my interest most of the time by blowing shit up every 10 minutes and had a surprise cameo by Brendan Fraser, the studio executives that wrote and produced this movie knew that it was just a two hour commercial (much like Transformers) and nothing else. That’s fine by me, but I don’t want to support that mentality. Yet I did anyway. I now understand why people hate hate ironic hipsters so much.

This experience will likely lead to some unwarranted self loathing and I will question my taste in everything for a few days, but I know that from years of watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 it’s important to enjoy a little schlock now and then. After all, terrible, formulaic movies aren’t going away any time soon. But if anyone catches you and questions your taste, just say you were doing it for the lulz.

Upon re-reading this, I realize that I might be a horrible, stuck up person. But that shouldn’t come as a surprise to most of you.


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Filed under complaining, wtf

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