only assholes don’t listen to the smiths

The music of today sucks. Anyone with half a brain knows that. But looking at the iTunes Store’s new releases in the last 20 minutes has been the equivalent of receiving a lobotomy/ass rape combo. Oh, where to begin…

1. First off, this is the gayest shit I have ever seen:

 1234722573_coverOh wow guys, you’re so metal! When will artists learn that any album title that alludes to the idea of “change” will always backfire? Nine times out of ten it’ll sound like the same old shit, especially if it was never good to begin with. 

2. Do you like Pearl Jam? Would you like to buy their first album twice? 

148093pearljamcover525Don’t get me wrong, I love Eddie Vedder and Co. but if you would believe it, there are four versions of this reissue. And on the iTunes version, you get the original album and a new mix by Brendan O’Brien. So that means you get an album you already have  plus another version with the treble turned up! I recall Billy Corgan doing something like this with the last Smashing Pumpkins album and Pitchfork threw a shit fit. And you know what else? Generation X is fucking stupid. Are they really going to buy into the corporate bullshit that they railed against when they were young? Of course they will. Anything to get away from their shithead kids. Hey, speaking of which…

3. I am so glad that I’m not in college any more. 

asher_collegeThis is literally the worst song you will ever hear. Basically, this kid raps about how he loves to party, drink, smoke up, and sit around and watch girls make out. Cool. But of course he leaves out the part about actually doing real college stuff like, I don’t know, learning? I think the song is supposed to be funny, but it just comes off as flat out boring (which is worse than being bad) and perpetuates stereotypes that even the American Pie movies wouldn’t touch. And for some reason, he’s being touted as the next Eminem. Which is funny, because last time I checked Eminem rolled with Dr. Dre and 50 Cent, and I have a funny feeling they would fuck this kid up if he so much as looked at them. A song like this normally wouldn’t bother me, but it’s seventh best selling single on iTunes, which means people are actually listening to this on purpose. Epic fail. Maybe he can write a follow up song about a guy who works as a stock boy at Walmart for the rest of his life? This song perfectly sums up why Greek life is cancer.

4. IT’S MILEY!!!1!

hannahmontanamoviesoundtrackYou know what? I don’t mind this. Disney has dragged Miley through every conceivable medium but a feature film  (the concert/3-D skull fuck not withstanding).  This could mean that the well is about to run dry, and she’ll be cast off to spend her millions on blow and cars and be stalked by the Jonas Brothers the paparazzi. Just no more music, please. One thing that does bother me though is how poorly this cover has been shopped. You’d think a company like Disney would actually spend some money on decent art. But then again, they can put ‘Hannah Montana’ on anything and it’ll sell like a cure for AIDS.

5. Finally, let’s do some math:

Mid-1990’s VH1 programming + Dana Carvey’s Choppin’ Broccoli sketchTalent = Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event

 

Now if you excuse me, I am off to await further instructions from Ryan Schreiber.

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