I’ve always known that despite my upbringing and education, I am an individual that knows very little. There are a number of factors that contribute to this: self imposed ignorance, laziness, 24-hour news networks, Wikipedia… I could go on forever. I think I’ve been able to get by coming off as a wise ass, which in the grand scheme of things is better than being a dumb ass. Technically, I should be the kind of person who has a job that they love and a girlfriend that they get along with and understand (like those couples in Kay Jewelers commercials), but I am not that person. And I don’t know why. You’d think after 23 years I’d have a slight understanding of how the world works. So either I am still too young to understand or I haven’t been paying attention, the latter of which is likely the most plausible.
I think what gets me most is whenever I put past mistakes and experiences into perspective, I regret having proved myself right. Sometimes it’s better to be left in the dark, you know? I feel like the more I learn the more cynical I become and I feel more miserable about my life and the world around me. (Perhaps being jobless for six weeks has given me too much time to think. At least I’m beginning to understand why people work for 40 years straight.) Anyways, a while back I wrote about how two of my ex-girlfriends likely didn’t love me back. I wanted to think that to make myself feel better and cast off my emotional baggage. Yet last night, I finally had proof that I was in fact correct. OK so I’m not 100% sure but I’m pretty convinced. I really wish I kept my big mouth shut though. Ignorance is bliss.
What else bothers me is that my reputation precedes me wherever I go. A bad one, I might add. I don’t think people are interested in the real me, just the crazy shit I have done in the past. That’s really no ones fault but my own but even when I try to defend myself these days, nobody seems to care. Whenever a mistake catches up to me, I try to be humble and focus on how much I’ve grown. But when I try to clear up embellished stories about me, nobody wants to hear my opinion. I don’t blame them. Maybe I should accept that I am as bad as the Ben depicted in these stories. Let’s face it, there’s no point in defending yourself if nobody believes you. After all, those stories are based on some truth.
I didn’t mean to go all Xanga on your asses. My sincerest apologies.