sour times

Autumn is my favorite season. I like driving down long stretches of road with orange and red trees on both sides… it’s very suburban. And the weather, oh! Autumn has the perfect temperatures for a hoodie whore such as myself; anything in the 50 to 70 degree range is ideal. Plus, football season is that much more enjoyable with the Giants being 4-0 (and could go at least 7-0) even without my nigga, Osi Umenyiora. The season also marks the return of my favorite show 30 Rock, which cannot start soon enough. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has been doing a great job of keeping me entertained in the mean time though. It almost makes me want to live in Philly. Almost.

But this season feels much different. I was finally settling in to the idea of not going back to school and getting a job when I had another anxiety attack and now I seem to be stuck. The technical writing job fell through, most likely due to the two stupid errors that I made on the copy editing test that they gave me. I nearly got laid off from my job at the park by my asshole manager, who decided to not include me on the October schedule and then assume that I would figure out that I was getting fired all by myself. On top of not even having the balls to tell me, he scheduled my last day while he was on vacation. Fortunately my coworkers had my back and spoke to the assistant superintendent of the park system, and he let me stay (though my manager doesn’t know). So I have my job until the 31st, possibly longer if my manager doesn’t feel like being a dick. Christ,  you have no idea what a horrible human being this guy is. I’ve always liked my bosses until I started working for this ass clown. I may only be a seasonal ranger (and apparently seasonal rangers are considered to be sub-human) but I am positive I could do his job better and not be a laughing stock.

What’s really been bothering me is that I came to a sad realization just the other day. After much thought, it became clear that the two girlfriends that I was in love with were never in love with me. Case in point: I was Casey’s first boyfriend, so it’s likely that she didn’t really know any better. And Krista was a serial monogamist and may or may not ahve told every boyfriend that she loved them (even though I am very certain she is actually in love with her current boyfriend). I was her shortest relationship though (10 months) so I can almost put money on that fact that she couldn’t care less if I got hit by a bus*. 

I don’t know what’s more pathetic: realizing that you’ve made an ass of yourself or talking about it in a blog entry.

I mean, I don’t have anything to hold back. Nearly everyone I know thinks of me as an asshole.

Helpful Tip: The key is to be an asshole towards the right people and not selling your friends out. That way you can be around the people you love and they’ll laugh with you.

ANYWAY, I have no idea where I was going with that… just thought I’d put it out there. But I think my problem is that being an asshole has got in the way of nearly my relationships. Did you know that girls are not just attracted to a sense of humor alone? I didn’t know that until maybe two weeks ago. Well I did know that but I just chose not to change. I was always under the assumption that a girl will just accept you for who you are, and I’m not going to change for someone that I may not even stay with. Change scares the crap out of me and that’s probably a reason why I like waxing nostalgic about my childhood. Did you know that there are hundreds of old school Sesame Street videos on YouTube?! It’s like never having to grow up!

Last night I realized that I have been a complete dick to my girlfriend of five months, Courtney. I freaked out because after realizing that Casey and Krista probably don’t consider me as significant as I considered them, and that five months in a relationship is usually when things start to go awry. But then I realized that things start to go wrong because of me. I am the enabler… I hold the key to a successful relationship. I just choose not to do anything about it. I like Courtney and she is a wonderful person, and she doesn’t deserve to be given the 3rd degree. Hopefully I will find a way to change. I mean let’s face it… I can’t be this guy forever.





* Sometimes I wonder if I will get hit by a bus though. Or have a piano fall on me… or be bit by a duck and get infected with duck AIDS. You know, something really stupid and random. I wouldn’t take my own life though. I thought about it once but then I realized that everyone would be really mad and I really wanted to see The Dark Knight. Plus, suicide is for lazy and selfish people. But randomly getting killed wouldn’t be too bad. It would be an interesting obituary. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes I feel like the only way the bullshit will end is when you’re done living. NOT that I want to die any time soon, but death seems to hold the answer to everything. And before you criticize me for being a miserable bastard, you can blame this guy for being a bad influence.

Christ, I really need a vacation.


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