it may all end tomorrow

Are any of you aware of this? The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a 17-mile particle accelerator bordering France and Switzerland that is designed to recreate the moments after the big bang in order to help understand how the universe came to exist. Oh yeah, and it also might create a black hole and destroy us all.

OK, so the black holes would most likely be microscopic and have no dire consequences, but I am a firm believer in Murphy’s Law. Though scientists have conducted successful practice runs, the big show isn’t until September 10th. If the planet is going to be devoured, the sooner the better, because my health insurance runs out at the end of the year and black hole policies are hard to come by.

Think about how funny it would be if the world ended because some oversized, $8 billion proton pack that was built by scientists because they were curious. I am all for science, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

So let’s say that the world ends on September 10th. Everything you’ve done up to this point will have been completely futile. If you’re struggling to find a job, hold out until September 11th (yikes) just in case you get sucked into a bottomless black void of death. Otherwise, you’re just going to spend your last days on earth convincing potential employers that experience in print media matters (it doesn’t).

Credit cards, car and mortgage payments… they’ll have to be put on the back burner as well. Go out and buy yourself something nice. Save the receipt though.

Did someone break your heart? Well quit lamenting, because they’re going to die maybe!

But let’s be serious. If the creation of a deadly black hole was a legitimate possibility, this project would have been shut down years ago. Plus, the media would be having a field day with coverage (though it’s not too late). Can you imagine Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room finally covering a real situation… he’d probably shit himself. The LHC has been a 14-year endeavor, and I’m sure that all the necessary precautions have been implemented.

Still, it would be cool to be present at the end of the world. I just hope I’m not at work when it happens. I don’t want to die while cleaning a toilet.

May God have mercy on us all

May God have mercy on us all


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