oh for the love of christ, now what?

So apparently I’m dying.

The above statement would be true if I lived in Victorian-era England and had ridiculously long sideburns. But thanks to modern medicine my ailment(s) should be cured in no time, provided that the medicine actually fucking works this time. Here’s the story:

I had ringworm back in May. Yes, it was gross and unsightly. And no, I have no idea how I got it (though it may have had to do with that strange wet spot in the corner of my bedroom at school). I went to the doctor the day after graduation and he gave me some cream to put on it, and after a few days it went away. Then a week later, it came back but in a different place. Again, I used the cream and again it came back another week later. So finally it disappears, and I’m ready to move on with my life then suddenly I get poison ivy. I put Calamine lotion on it for two weeks, but my efforts were in vain because apparently I am allergic to the stuff and I was not made aware of this until weeks later. So I go to the doctor and he give me some corticosteroids to take, and it goes away. Then the ringworm came back. Again. But this time, the cream isn’t working. So last week I go to the doctor and he prescribes me some anti-fungal pills that are supposed to knock it right out of me.

And then things got crazy.

I started breaking out in hives on Saturday, the last day of my treatment. And this shit is everywhere, save for my face. Still, I look like a leper. My immediate conclusion is that I am having an allergic reaction to the pills the doctor gave me. However, it only seemed to get worse. So I went to the hospital on Sunday and they gave me some Benadryll and told them to call if it wasn’t better. So obviously it got worse and I went back to a different doctor. He took one look at me and gave his diagnosis.

I have scarlet fever.

No, not that kind. That one makes you think you have the ability to cover Tom Waits songs. I have the kind that nobody fucking gets anymore unless you’re some kind of British tea baron. Anyway, the doctor then administers a throat culture, gives me a cortisone shot (surprise: I have poison ivy again), a blood work, and 10 days of antibiotics. Sometime in the next two days, we’ll have an official diagnosis on what’s going on.

This may sound crazy, but I’m pretty sure God is trying to kill me. Normally, I’m a healthy person. I eat right (most of the time), I get plenty of physical activity (some of the time) and I get plenty of rest (not even close). But since the beginning of 2008, I haven’t gone a month of being completely healthy. Between the pneumonia in February to the ringworm/poison ivy/scarlet fever trifecta as of late, I feel like my body is completely shutting down. I feel like the monkey from Outbreak. I need to be quarantined. Just keep Cuba Gooding Jr. away from me.

My sweet lord, she is so hot (much like my skin rash, but sexier).


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