I wrote this as an April Fool’s joke in the school paper. Enjoy.
New Jersey to be blown up; Pennsylvania getting a beach
KUTZTOWN— The United States Department of the Interior announced today that New Jersey, widely acknowledged to be the smelliest and dirtiest of the 50 states, is to be demolished in order to give Pennsylvania a beach.
The movement to make Pennsylvania a state that bordered the Atlantic Ocean began three years ago as an avatar in Instant Messenger profiles. Soon after, a petition circulated around the state and was signed by 11,093,265 residents, approximately 98 percent of the state population. Last week, the petition was brought before the United States Congress and a bill was written ordering the demolition of New Jersey. The bill, entitled the “Blow Up New Jersey and Give Pennsylvania a Beach Act” is expected to pass in both the House and the Senate, and be signed by President Bush by the end of the week.
“Though I have never been there, I can only assume that New Jersey is as bad as everyone says it is,” said senator Arlen Specter (R-PA). “If the residents of the fine state of Pennsylvania want a beach, then I will do my best to ensure that they get what they deserve.”
New Jersey, the third oldest state in the union, is a major exporter of fuel resources and produce. It is also home to major attractions such as Six Flags Great Adventure, Atlantic City, the Meadowlands, and popular shore locations. Despite all the state has to offer, Pennsylvania residents are adamant about the destruction of the notoriously filthy New Jersey.
KU students are especially excited, being that the university is only 30 minutes away from the New Jersey state line. Kevin Frome, a junior electronic media major, was particularly eager to witness the destruction of the Garden State.
“It’s so dirty, it’ll be good to finally have a beach,” he said. “I guess the girls won’t be the only one’s doing the blowing in New Jersey.”
Andrew Rourke, freshmen music major, has witnessed the horrors of New Jersey.
“I’ve been there once. I took the NJ Turnpike through Newark to get to New York City, and the whole place was just filled with refineries and it smelled horrible. I don’t see how anyone could live in New Jersey.”
When asked if he had been to any other part of the state, he said that after driving through Newark, he just assumed the rest of New Jersey was the same.
Residents of the soon to be demolished state are not going without a fight. Billy Eyres, a student at New Jersey’s Brookdale Community College, said that his state is highly misunderstood.
“Many people from out of state have misconceptions about New Jersey. The refineries only take up less than 1 percent of the state. It seems like everyone who drives though here judges the whole state on one little part.”
When presented with this information, Rourke remained steadfast on his position.
“Whatever. Everyone who lives there probably smells bad anyway,” he said.
Robert Metzger, an employee at IESI Bethlehem Landfill, said that Pennsylvania has deserved a beach since New Jersey blocked them from the ocean after millions of years of continental plate movement.
“Our state has deserved a beach for all the hard work that we’ve put forth. The steel industry was all Pennsylvania. The founding of this country took place in Philadelphia for crying out loud! But no, that sorry excuse for a landmass had to rob us of enjoying a nice ocean breeze. Well now the tables have turned.”
The demolition of the state will result in millions of New Jersey residents being displaced. Some experts speculate that surrounding states, including Pennsylvania, can expect an increase in erratic driving, shopping malls, and White Castle restaurants.
Meanwhile in Trenton, New Jersey governor John Corzine a statement upon hearing of the bill.
“What the f**k! Are you f**king kidding me? No one asked for my opinion on this s**t! You can all go f**k yourselves.”
As of press time, the governor was not available to comment further, but instead peeled out of the capital building’s parking in a black SUV, cutting off two cars while giving them the middle finger.
New Yorkers who regularly visit the New Jersey shore in the summer will have to adjust to having new shore towns, such as Yardley, Bristol, and even Philadelphia. Vincent “Vinny” DeAngelo, a construction worker from Queens, NY was sad to see his favorite shore areas go.
“Me, Anthony, Carmela, Tony, Angela, Paulie, Paulie C., Tony R. would go to Belmar every Friday. I don’t know what kind of clubs they got in Philly, but I guess somebody has to go down there and represent New York City.”
He added, “LET’S GO GIANTS! WOOOOOO! YOU GOT NOTHING MCNABB!”
Despite opposition, demolition crews are preparing to bring an end to the Garden State. Though the annihilation of the state will pose major traffic, environmental, economic, housing, educational, and population problems, Pennsylvania residents are optimistic.
“We can do without the fresh produce, natural gas, and all of those other vital chemicals they make,” says Sarah Brighton, a Wall Street analyst who lives in Berks County. “And who cares if New Jersey being gone will add three hours onto my commute to New York. As long as I have a beach to come home to every day, it’s worth it.”