NEVER FORGIVE, NEVER FORGET

NBC, you just lost a loyal viewer. I hope Leno was worth the millions of dollars you’re still going to lose.

good night, colts neck!

oscillate wildly

I thought about what you said to me last night, and though I laughed at the time, I must respectfully disagree.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” O.W.

anhedonia

Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I – I do, don’t you think I do?

500 Days of Summer is the new Annie Hall. There, I said it. And why not? Both movie are about nervous guys in sweater vests who are romantically involved with quirky “it-girls”, there are scenes when fantasy mixes with reality (cartoons, dance numbers, etc.) and in the end, both lose the girl and learn a lot in the process. That was pretty much the first thing I thought of upon exiting the theater a few months ago when I saw it. If anything, 500 Days was the movie I was going to write, but better (as Jess put it). I did see a bit of myself in the movie, but only because it was funny and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character listened to The Smiths. Nothing really past that. And I’m also very glad that I saw this right after G.I Joe, which quickly restored my faith in Mr. Gordon-Levitt. Had I seen the movies the other way around, I’d start referring to him as simply, “that guy from 3rd Rock From the Sun.”

But now that the movie has been out for a while, I’ve been hearing a lot of, “I thought of you when I was watching 500 Days of Summer!” And for a while there I thought yeah, the movie is right up my alley, thank you for associating me with good cinema. Now I realize that that it was Gordon-Levitt’s character that reminded them of me. Friends, ex-girlfriends, and even my own fucking dad said so.

I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps.

And what are the similarities between me and JGL’s character, Tom? Well the sweater vest thing obviously. He is a sharp dresser for sure. I only own one sweater vest but apparently that’s the one item in my wardrobe that stands out the most, apparently. We both like The Smiths, because we like music that isn’t shit. The only problem is that Summer Finn likes them too, and we all know that in real life you are more likely to meet a Polish holocaust survivor before you meet a Morrissey fan… at least in America.And of course the Tom is also from NJ, which is probably why everyone saw the connection between me and him less than five minutes into the movie.

The emotional side of Tom though, is where it gets interesting. Tom believes in fate in the sense that the stars will align and the girl of your dreams will suddenly appear and everything will be sunshine and rainbows. This is partially true, because I mean if there’s anything you can take away from listening to Morrissey, it’s that love has to exist, because he wouldn’t be so miserable if it didn’t. Tom went to school to become an architect but works at a greeting card company. When asked about this, he replies, “I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that last forever, like a greeting card.” So Tom uses smart ass remarks as a defense mechanism… something I am guilty of 100% of the time.

Just because she’s likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.

But when you really get down to it, Tom is full of faults. He falls for a girl who doesn’t believe in love, yet is shocked when she pulls the rug out from under him and ends the relationship. And in a matter of months she’s engaged to someone else. And he gets depressed, and blames her for all the bad things that happen in the world, and mopes around. And yet even though he did leave a positive lasting impression, he ultimately gets left behind. And all the while, he needs to get advice from his 13-year-old sister. He brought to the table only his best, just to rejected in the end. He does not understand that people, especially women, are never what they seem and will not always turn out to be your soul mate.

And that’s what gets me the most. This guy is supposed to be me. Do the people who saw this movie really see me as a miserable, sarcastic, delusional wannabe hipster that believes in fairy tale endings? Probably. I mean, I know I am but I thought I did a very good job at hiding it. Apparently everyone has seen through  my ruse.

Oh my God, she’s right. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was beautiful, she was willing. She was real intelligent. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I’m – I just don’t want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?

But there is one big difference between me and both 500 Days and Annie Hall: how everything ends. Tom moves on from Summer but then takes another wild swing at the idea of destiny with someone else. Alvy Singer reminisces with Annie and realizes that there may never be another woman like her in his life, but he must press on. But with me, I fall somewhere in between. I used to believe in destiny. I’ve met some great girlfriends through very interesting circumstances. I began taking the Alvy Singer approach when I broke up with those great girlfriends and realized that I was my own worst enemy and may never get a shot at redemption. But now, I don’t really believe in anything, so I suppose that makes me emotionally agnostic.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable.

I really can’t denounce people seeing a correlation between me and Tom. But it’s kind of ironic that when I left the theater, I thought about what I had seen, turned to Jess and said, “Summer reminded me of  ******.”

now my heart is full

I don’t have much to say these days, but something interesting happened today at work.

I was at Holmdel Park because most of the rangers are on vacation, so I suited up in my park ranger gear and took care of the shelter building. It gets a lot of foot traffic, being that it’s the only indoor facility and it has a large, open fire place. I spent most of the day tending to the fire and chatting up patrons, but there was what I think was an extraordinary moment near the end of the day. There was an attractive woman sitting next to the fire place, probably in her late 20’s or early 30’s, and she began asking me about the parks. After a few minutes, a man roughly around the same age as her, sitting on the opposite side of the fire place, chimed in during our conversation. I didn’t even see him come in so I did one of those ” where the fuck did you come from” faces.

But soon they began conversing and I slowly went out doing some park ranger stuff. I think they were talking about The Secret and laws of attraction and iPhones. I sat back and watched them talk from opposite sides of the fire place, and every so often I’d sneak in between them to move or add some wood. Eventually my shift ended so I thew one last piece of wood on the fire and I wished them both a Merry Christmas. It wasn’t until I walked out of the building that I realized what had transpired. The way they carried with each other was so genuine; none of the conversation seemed forced. They were good looking and interesting and had never been to the park before. They weren’t sledding and weren’t with anyone else… They were just there at that exact moment for no apparent reason.

Now if that wasn’t the start of two people falling in love, then I don’t know what is.

get old or die trying

This past weekend was a complete overhaul. I cut off all my hair, I got a new laptop, new clothes, new t.v., and have settled in pretty well at my new job and have started to make friends. All of this has been great, but I don’t want to take it all for granted. There was a story on the NYT online about a new Applebee’s that opened up in the Bronx just recently. There were 120 openings, and 6,5000 people applied. If that isn’t an indication of how fucked up the economy is, I don’t know what is. And it’s why anyone who has a job can’t complain ever again.

This year was kind of a bust in general. Other than the health care debate and Obama and the plane in the Hudson, the news was filled primarily with celebrity gossip and talent show results. It was boring. Personally though, this was without a doubt the oddest year of my life. So many unforeseen events unfurled (especially in the summer) and I met many interesting people. Fuck, this decade has been odd. In 2000, I was an awkward dork who knew nothing about the opposite sex or being social. Now I’m a slightly less awkward dork who is also kind of emotionally retarded (as my dad would put it). Two steps forward and one step back, I guess. And damn did I put an emphasis on girls, like there was nothing else in life but to impress and be with girls. I was like that for seven years! And that didn’t amount too much. Lots of broken hearts and crippled friendships. Yeesh. No more of that. I hope.

Oh, I’m beating a dead horse again.

I recently bought a book called “Cassette From My Ex,” which is a compilation of stories about people finding mix tapes from old flames, then reminiscing about the story behind it. It’s what most of my friends would call a “Ben Book”… because I am a miserable fuck, you see. In reality the book is very funny and the music choices funnier. And it actually brings up something that I’ve noticed for years: girls never make mix tapes for guys. In all my mixtaping, I have received about one (possibly two). So I started thinking about the perfect mix tape again, and came up with this collection, which is dedicated to everyone and no one:

Side A

Message of Love – The Pretenders

I’ve Just Seen a Face – The Beatles

Take on Me – AhHa

My Kingdom – Echo and the Bunnymen

Hot! Hot! Hot! – The Cure

Debate Exposes Doubt – Death Cab for Cutie

Oceanside – The Decemberists

Sink to the Bottom – Fountains of Wayne

July Jones – The New Pornographers

Fall on Me – R.E.M.

She’s So Hot (Boom) – Flight of the Conchords

Side B

I Will Dare – The Replacements

Nobody’s Hero – Stiff Little Fingers

I Found that Essence Rare – Gang of Four

This Love is Fucking Right! – Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Sweet Lady Genevieve – The Kinks

Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd

Transmission – Joy Division

Gloria – U2 (the non-shitty, early 80’s U2)

Sugar Girl – Buddy

The Way I Feel Inside – The Zombies

Nobody Loves Us – Morrissey

in your face!

OH FUCK

WHERE WAS THIS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL?!

blood and thunder

A million things have been happening, and not one of them is terribly interesting.

My car will be in the shop for the next week and my next two paychecks will be spent on the repairs, so I’m gearing up for a very boring next few days. Provided that my fingerprint results get to park system HQ on time, I’ll start the clerk job in a week. Yes, after months of complaining and bemoaning my education I landed a real, salary based job. It’s nothing extravagant but it pays much more than the park ranger job so I can’t really complain. It’s going to be a big adjustment taking control of all my bills so who knows when the hell I’ll be able to move out. Hopefully by next spring/summer.

Speaking of jobs, I am completely over Barnes and Noble. It has nothing to do with the managers or employees (except that one lady who looks/talks/acts like the exorcist from Poltergeist) but with the fact that the job has very little to do with books. Everyone who was hired had a passion for books, but that really doesn’t factor into the selling part. We are sales associates. That’s about it. And we’re not even that well paid! Plus for some reason I am constantly being scheduled to close the store, but that’s a minor annoyance. It’s better than nothing and it’s helping me until I start getting paid by the park system again, but I still feel like I was lied to. Sure, our customers may share the same passion for reading as we do, but that mutual bond is instantly broken when I have to hit up customers for more money so I can meet my membership sign up quota. The customer’s don’t bother me much. I understand that they want to get their books and leave and not be sold something they probably don’t need, but I don’t understand why customers who ring up $100+ in merchandise won’t spend an extra $3 to donate a book for a child. Though it is that time of the year when literally everyone is hitting you up for a donation of some kind, you can give a kid a book for the price of a fucking sandwich. Don’t be a Scrooge, unless you’re this guy. He’ll always get a free pass.

One aspect of the job that is still funny are the numerous amounts of printed political attacks ads, or “Current Affairs”. The difference between the left and right leaning books is that the conservative minded books have bigger font and less subtle titles… and flags, lots of flags. And the section entitled “Religious Fiction” elicits enough irony to leave Richard Dawkins in hysterics. Oh, and the vampire books! Never have I wanted a trend to end so badly. And the worst part is that none of these Twilight knockoffs look even remotely interesting, especially since the material it’s based on is of questionable quality at best. I shit you not, there is a huge table dedicated to this crap, not including the other two tables promoting Stephanie Meyer’s abortion. I have no idea why I’m so bitter about this, but it might be because I feel like I’m a smut peddler when someone brings a copy to my register.  And let’s not forget the kids section, dear readers. I really want to spend a lunch break in there perusing my favorite books from my childhood, but every time I try there is a screaming child or a screaming mother or someone is changing a diaper on a table (that actually happened). So I guess “Danny and the Dinosaur” will have to wait for another day.

I’ve been without Facebook for a little over two weeks now, and I’m yet to miss it. The only thing I do miss is knowing when birthdays are coming up, but I figure if I can’t remember someone’s birthday then it probably wasn’t worth remembering. And there is also that lingering feeling that people are talking about me and I’m powerless to find out what they’re saying, but I always think that about everyone I meet so it’s just standard paranoia and self loathing. Old news! In other technology developments, PC computers are shite. Ashley let me borrow her hard drive to save my music, which was a huge save because when I tried to format my laptop, the virus just dug its claws in deeper and now it’s completely useless. So my new plan is to get a new hard drive for $45, give it to my little brother, and get a Macbook for Kwanzaa. I’m fed up with this virus scanning and sluggishness, I want a computer that actually fucking works. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to Microsoft Office, but iWork is like the hotter, younger sister.

Lastly, “Best of 2009″ is officially done. Since I don’t have Facebook, I can’t really get in touch with my Kutztown friends. So if any of you guys are reading this and want a copy, get in touch with me either through here or by smoke signal if you like to kick it old school. This year’s mix really doesn’t have a theme per se. I wrote liner notes about the year and the music on the inside of the cover, and the art on the disc is an Andy Worhol print that I thought looked cool. But other than that it’s really about the music, which is probably the most varied in the nine years I’ve been making these compilations. Once everything settles down around here, they’ll be sent out in a little earlier than expected, maybe by December 7ish. So here is the track list (and in lower case on purpose):

1. empire state of mind (feat. alicia keys) – jay-z

2. you never know – wilco

3. lasso – phoenix

4. young adult friction – the pains of being pure at heart

5. all yr songs – diamond rings

6. something is squeezing my skull – morrissey

7. french navy – camera obscura

8. say please – monsters of folk

9. two weeks – grizzly bear

10. gimmie sympathy – metric

11. too many rappers – beastie boys

12. 11th dimension – julian casablancas

13. peace – depeche mode

14. soft shock – yeah yeah yeahs

15. glass – bat for lashes

16. sleepless – the decemberists

17. from the hips – cursive

18. games for days- julian plenti

19. all for the best – thom yorke

viva hate

So I was thinking.

Everybody likes things. That’s how people relate to each other: by discussing and/or doing things they like. But I will bet you that you could relate to a person better by discussing the mutual things you hate. Not dislike, but hate. To dislike something is to tolerate it, but avoid it whenever possible. If you hate something, you want to banish it to one of Jupiter’s moons. I gave it some thought (about five minutes) and I came up with the following list.

Things That I Hate

by Ben Friedman

Age: 24

• quiche
• Michael Bay
• Stephanie Meyer
• garden spiders
• 8th graders
• 24-hour news networks
• Facebook apps
• people who say, “What’s wrong?” to me when there is nothing wrong
• grape flavored products
• Pennsylvania drivers
• Pennsylvania
• Kutztown Greek life
• challah that is way too eggy
• Confederate flags (the South isn’t going to rise again)
• Most of the top selling songs on iTunes on any given week
• VH1
• Anything on E! that isn’t The Soup
• politicians
• people who say that they are feeling “emo” when they are sad (sad being used in a broad sense, since they are probably upset about something stupid)
• newspapers, re: the lack of any sort of business plan and the mass layoffs
• Morrissey canceling shows for dumb reasons
• Weezer’s output for the past four years
• The Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, and Washington Redskins
• bartenders who ignore you (while you are waving $20 in their face)
• the radio
• horror movie remakes/sequels to horror movie remakes
• writing poetry
• being forced to try new foods
• The Simpsons, seasons 11 to present
• the fact that Daria isn’t on DVD
• manga comics
• watching Jason Bateman act in mediocre movies while the Arrested Development movie is in development limbo
• the feeling you get when you realize that you are the only Smiths/Morrissey fan that you know of

Now, I know this make me look like some sort of curmudgeon, but I assure you all that there are plenty of things in this life that I find quite enjoyable, such as… um… uhhh… why don’t I get back to you on that one?