OH FUCK

WHERE WAS THIS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL?!

blood and thunder

A million things have been happening, and not one of them is terribly interesting.

My car will be in the shop for the next week and my next two paychecks will be spent on the repairs, so I’m gearing up for a very boring next few days. Provided that my fingerprint results get to park system HQ on time, I’ll start the clerk job in a week. Yes, after months of complaining and bemoaning my education I landed a real, salary based job. It’s nothing extravagant but it pays much more than the park ranger job so I can’t really complain. It’s going to be a big adjustment taking control of all my bills so who knows when the hell I’ll be able to move out. Hopefully by next spring/summer.

Speaking of jobs, I am completely over Barnes and Noble. It has nothing to do with the managers or employees (except that one lady who looks/talks/acts like the exorcist from Poltergeist) but with the fact that the job has very little to do with books. Everyone who was hired had a passion for books, but that really doesn’t factor into the selling part. We are sales associates. That’s about it. And we’re not even that well paid! Plus for some reason I am constantly being scheduled to close the store, but that’s a minor annoyance. It’s better than nothing and it’s helping me until I start getting paid by the park system again, but I still feel like I was lied to. Sure, our customers may share the same passion for reading as we do, but that mutual bond is instantly broken when I have to hit up customers for more money so I can meet my membership sign up quota. The customer’s don’t bother me much. I understand that they want to get their books and leave and not be sold something they probably don’t need, but I don’t understand why customers who ring up $100+ in merchandise won’t spend an extra $3 to donate a book for a child. Though it is that time of the year when literally everyone is hitting you up for a donation of some kind, you can give a kid a book for the price of a fucking sandwich. Don’t be a Scrooge, unless you’re this guy. He’ll always get a free pass.

One aspect of the job that is still funny are the numerous amounts of printed political attacks ads, or “Current Affairs”. The difference between the left and right leaning books is that the conservative minded books have bigger font and less subtle titles… and flags, lots of flags. And the section entitled “Religious Fiction” elicits enough irony to leave Richard Dawkins in hysterics. Oh, and the vampire books! Never have I wanted a trend to end so badly. And the worst part is that none of these Twilight knockoffs look even remotely interesting, especially since the material it’s based on is of questionable quality at best. I shit you not, there is a huge table dedicated to this crap, not including the other two tables promoting Stephanie Meyer’s abortion. I have no idea why I’m so bitter about this, but it might be because I feel like I’m a smut peddler when someone brings a copy to my register.  And let’s not forget the kids section, dear readers. I really want to spend a lunch break in there perusing my favorite books from my childhood, but every time I try there is a screaming child or a screaming mother or someone is changing a diaper on a table (that actually happened). So I guess “Danny and the Dinosaur” will have to wait for another day.

I’ve been without Facebook for a little over two weeks now, and I’m yet to miss it. The only thing I do miss is knowing when birthdays are coming up, but I figure if I can’t remember someone’s birthday then it probably wasn’t worth remembering. And there is also that lingering feeling that people are talking about me and I’m powerless to find out what they’re saying, but I always think that about everyone I meet so it’s just standard paranoia and self loathing. Old news! In other technology developments, PC computers are shite. Ashley let me borrow her hard drive to save my music, which was a huge save because when I tried to format my laptop, the virus just dug its claws in deeper and now it’s completely useless. So my new plan is to get a new hard drive for $45, give it to my little brother, and get a Macbook for Kwanzaa. I’m fed up with this virus scanning and sluggishness, I want a computer that actually fucking works. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to Microsoft Office, but iWork is like the hotter, younger sister.

Lastly, “Best of 2009″ is officially done. Since I don’t have Facebook, I can’t really get in touch with my Kutztown friends. So if any of you guys are reading this and want a copy, get in touch with me either through here or by smoke signal if you like to kick it old school. This year’s mix really doesn’t have a theme per se. I wrote liner notes about the year and the music on the inside of the cover, and the art on the disc is an Andy Worhol print that I thought looked cool. But other than that it’s really about the music, which is probably the most varied in the nine years I’ve been making these compilations. Once everything settles down around here, they’ll be sent out in a little earlier than expected, maybe by December 7ish. So here is the track list (and in lower case on purpose):

1. empire state of mind (feat. alicia keys) – jay-z

2. you never know – wilco

3. lasso – phoenix

4. young adult friction – the pains of being pure at heart

5. all yr songs – diamond rings

6. something is squeezing my skull – morrissey

7. french navy – camera obscura

8. say please – monsters of folk

9. two weeks – grizzly bear

10. gimmie sympathy – metric

11. too many rappers – beastie boys

12. 11th dimension – julian casablancas

13. peace – depeche mode

14. soft shock – yeah yeah yeahs

15. glass – bat for lashes

16. sleepless – the decemberists

17. from the hips – cursive

18. games for days- julian plenti

19. all for the best – thom yorke

viva hate

So I was thinking.

Everybody likes things. That’s how people relate to each other: by discussing and/or doing things they like. But I will bet you that you could relate to a person better by discussing the mutual things you hate. Not dislike, but hate. To dislike something is to tolerate it, but avoid it whenever possible. If you hate something, you want to banish it to one of Jupiter’s moons. I gave it some thought (about five minutes) and I came up with the following list.

Things That I Hate

by Ben Friedman

Age: 24

• quiche
• Michael Bay
• Stephanie Meyer
• garden spiders
• 8th graders
• 24-hour news networks
• Facebook apps
• people who say, “What’s wrong?” to me when there is nothing wrong
• grape flavored products
• Pennsylvania drivers
• Pennsylvania
• Kutztown Greek life
• challah that is way too eggy
• Confederate flags (the South isn’t going to rise again)
• Most of the top selling songs on iTunes on any given week
• VH1
• Anything on E! that isn’t The Soup
• politicians
• people who say that they are feeling “emo” when they are sad (sad being used in a broad sense, since they are probably upset about something stupid)
• newspapers, re: the lack of any sort of business plan and the mass layoffs
• Morrissey canceling shows for dumb reasons
• Weezer’s output for the past four years
• The Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, and Washington Redskins
• bartenders who ignore you (while you are waving $20 in their face)
• the radio
• horror movie remakes/sequels to horror movie remakes
• writing poetry
• being forced to try new foods
• The Simpsons, seasons 11 to present
• the fact that Daria isn’t on DVD
• manga comics
• watching Jason Bateman act in mediocre movies while the Arrested Development movie is in development limbo
• the feeling you get when you realize that you are the only Smiths/Morrissey fan that you know of

Now, I know this make me look like some sort of curmudgeon, but I assure you all that there are plenty of things in this life that I find quite enjoyable, such as… um… uhhh… why don’t I get back to you on that one?

it’s not my home, it’s their home

Today, I realized what I hate about living at home the most. And it’s that there isn’t a decent place to read a book in here. The lighting is poor (energy saving bulbs are shite), there are few available chairs/couches, and there is always noise. Always. When you have five, sometimes six people living in a house which has been a few years outgrown, a moment’s peace is hard to come by. Well not so much peace, but a spot to read more than 10 pages without getting distracted by clattering pots or four straight minutes of running water. All I would really look for in an apartment is a place for a bed and a big chair with a bright lamp next to it. And probably a monkey butler. So if any of you know where I can find a cheap studio apartment that allows very domesticated pets, let me know.

On a vaguely related note, I am waiting with boner-fueled anticipation for Chuck Klosterman’s new book, which drops tomorrow. After reading the head scratcher that was Downtown Owl, it’s relieving to see that he’s written a follow up to Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs. Or anything really, as long as it’s not in novel form. I can’t remember being this excited over a book since they heyday of Goosebumps, which we all know declined in quality after #35 (though Monster Blood III was probably the shark jumper). This summer marked an upswing in reading. I think I have read about 15 books this year, up from a whopping three in 2008. These numbers are due in part to my drastically reduced video game playing (despite clocking in 75 hours in Final Fantasy XII since September) and the fact that I actually have money to purchase books. But most of it has to do with trying to keep up with Ashley. I am waaaaay behind.

But other than all that, life is kicking ass for the first time in a while.

how to be awesome in two easy steps

Step 1: Buy these pants…

Step 2: There is no Step 2.

all for the best

Have you ever waited for the rest of your life to start?

It’s a sentiment expressed in a lot of romance comedies, but to me it means waiting to move out and become independent. I’m still kind of waiting for that to happen. I feel like a lot of people my age already have their lives figured out. It’s probably not true, but it sure as hell seems like it. I got left behind.

But I’m not just waiting. I’m doing. Taking positive steps. Applying for jobs and getting jobs and going on interviews. But I am afraid of what I want most if always just beyond my grasp. Even though I do everything right, it could all go wrong anyway. Everyone seems to think I am going to get this job working for the park system. And it’s a great job too. Fast paced but fun. And I already know everyone. The interview went great and I think I am one of the top candidates. I really, really feel good about this job.

But then I remember that my brain is hard wired for negativity.

With every new situation, I think of different ways it could play out. For every positive thought there are five negative thoughts. It just happens that way. Every time. Since… forever.

And when I start feeling negative, I think that people are quietly judging me (because they are) and wondering why I’m 24 and still living with my parents and sharing a room with my brother and can’t hold down a real job that lasts more than 6 months. Well, I did get hired to work for Barnes and Noble, so that was a big plus. But what if they don’t hire me to be full-time? I can’t pay my bills with 20 hours a week. I have to work hard. But that’s only if I don’t get the park job, which I have a good shot at getting (or do I?).

Maybe my negativity seeps out and infects other people? It’s not a preposterous theory. Maybe that’s why bad things keep happening when I least expect them to happen.

“The more I try, the more I cry. But it’s all for the best”

go forth and die

Earlier this evening, I was contacted by Kutztown and was asked to do a “survey”. And at the end of this “survey” (which meant absolutely nothing and merely served as a transition into the real question) she asked me to donate money. How much money? $350 to be exact. I don’t even have $20 in my bank account right now. I politely declined, pointing out that my degree was useless and I can barely get my car fixed. And that was that. I returned to watching Wheel of Fortune and screaming at the t.v. (“Quilted Handbag”! Who the fuck would’ve guess that?)

And then I came across something interesting. And by interesting I mean infuriating. Courtney sent me a link to a website (studentsreview.com) that polls college graduates about their satisfaction with their alma mater and how their degree has made a difference in the real world. Here are some numbers:

• 50% of those surveyed are currently unemployed
• 50% of those surveyed said that their KU education contributed in no way to their career
• KU sports a 28% matriculation rate (meaning only 2,800 of the 10,000 students will ever finish)
• The average salary of a KU alumni after 10 years is $56,667

There are a few things that factor into these findings. One, I have never even heard of this website and can’t really judge how legitimate it is or how they put their numbers together. Two, it’s fucking PA. It’s middle America. Not only are jobs scarce out there, but $50,000 in the Lehigh Valley goes a hell of a lot farther than it does in Monmouth County. Three, it depends on what your degree is in, which is a huge factor. Take Professional Writing for instance. There are lots you can do with a PW degree, provided that it’s 1999 and people still read newspapers. After reading the information, I switched over to The Princeton Review and see what they had to say. And it really wasn’t any better.

But in the end, for what it’s worth, these numbers are fucking pitiful. And they’re asking me for money? Why, so that more than half of the fucking degenerates who go there can drop out? And so that the university can serve sub par food for prices that toe the line of extortion? And so they can inadequately prepare students for a constantly changing environment?

Yeah, deep down I knew that KU was just another dime a dozen state college. But I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, that didn’t matter. I had great references. I had countless hours of (what I thought was) relevant experience. And it pretty much amounted to nothing. Though job prospects are looking better, none of them involve writing in any way. This blog is more or less the only fruit of my labor. Well this, and the yellowing newspaper clippings of articles that I wrote for the newspapers I worked for. Perhaps I’m not trying hard enough, or maybe if you live in PA it’s easier to find a job with a degree from Kutztown. But all I know is that out of all my Professional Writing brethren, very few of us have found a career.

This however, inspired me to start building a time machine… there was a review on the site caught my attention, and it summed up the KU experience better than I could have said myself:

This is not a university. It is just a drunk student town.

“Go forth, be conquered. Go forth and die.”

quoth the raven: i found this amusing

it’s that time of the year again

blow up the outside world

The people on our televisions are trying to kill us. They won’t rest until we are completely divided a nation. They want us to fight each other because wel all believe in different things. They want to push their view on us and brainwash us and feed us misinformation. And while we tear each other apart and lose trust in each other, they make millions. And they’ll die millionares. And we will not progress as citizens or as human beings. We’ll be obsessed with distractions and lose sight of what really matters.

I want to do something about it. Nobody reads or listens to reason any more. What the hell am I supposed to do? Where do I go? Who do I talk to?