viva hate

So I was thinking.

Everybody likes things. That’s how people relate to each other: by discussing and/or doing things they like. But I will bet you that you could relate to a person better by discussing the mutual things you hate. Not dislike, but hate. To dislike something is to tolerate it, but avoid it whenever possible. If you hate something, you want to banish it to one of Jupiter’s moons. I gave it some thought (about five minutes) and I came up with the following list.

Things That I Hate

by Ben Friedman

Age: 24

• quiche
• Michael Bay
• Stephanie Meyer
• garden spiders
• 8th graders
• 24-hour news networks
• Facebook apps
• people who say, “What’s wrong?” to me when there is nothing wrong
• grape flavored products
• Pennsylvania drivers
• Pennsylvania
• Kutztown Greek life
• challah that is way too eggy
• Confederate flags (the South isn’t going to rise again)
• Most of the top selling songs on iTunes on any given week
• VH1
• Anything on E! that isn’t The Soup
• politicians
• people who say that they are feeling “emo” when they are sad (sad being used in a broad sense, since they are probably upset about something stupid)
• newspapers, re: the lack of any sort of business plan and the mass layoffs
• Morrissey canceling shows for dumb reasons
• Weezer’s output for the past four years
• The Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, and Washington Redskins
• bartenders who ignore you (while you are waving $20 in their face)
• the radio
• horror movie remakes/sequels to horror movie remakes
• writing poetry
• being forced to try new foods
• The Simpsons, seasons 11 to present
• the fact that Daria isn’t on DVD
• manga comics
• watching Jason Bateman act in mediocre movies while the Arrested Development movie is in development limbo
• the feeling you get when you realize that you are the only Smiths/Morrissey fan that you know of

Now, I know this make me look like some sort of curmudgeon, but I assure you all that there are plenty of things in this life that I find quite enjoyable, such as… um… uhhh… why don’t I get back to you on that one?

it’s not my home, it’s their home

Today, I realized what I hate about living at home the most. And it’s that there isn’t a decent place to read a book in here. The lighting is poor (energy saving bulbs are shite), there are few available chairs/couches, and there is always noise. Always. When you have five, sometimes six people living in a house which has been a few years outgrown, a moment’s peace is hard to come by. Well not so much peace, but a spot to read more than 10 pages without getting distracted by clattering pots or four straight minutes of running water. All I would really look for in an apartment is a place for a bed and a big chair with a bright lamp next to it. And probably a monkey butler. So if any of you know where I can find a cheap studio apartment that allows very domesticated pets, let me know.

On a vaguely related note, I am waiting with boner-fueled anticipation for Chuck Klosterman’s new book, which drops tomorrow. After reading the head scratcher that was Downtown Owl, it’s relieving to see that he’s written a follow up to Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs. Or anything really, as long as it’s not in novel form. I can’t remember being this excited over a book since they heyday of Goosebumps, which we all know declined in quality after #35 (though Monster Blood III was probably the shark jumper). This summer marked an upswing in reading. I think I have read about 15 books this year, up from a whopping three in 2008. These numbers are due in part to my drastically reduced video game playing (despite clocking in 75 hours in Final Fantasy XII since September) and the fact that I actually have money to purchase books. But most of it has to do with trying to keep up with Ashley. I am waaaaay behind.

But other than all that, life is kicking ass for the first time in a while.

how to be awesome in two easy steps

Step 1: Buy these pants…

Step 2: There is no Step 2.

all for the best

Have you ever waited for the rest of your life to start?

It’s a sentiment expressed in a lot of romance comedies, but to me it means waiting to move out and become independent. I’m still kind of waiting for that to happen. I feel like a lot of people my age already have their lives figured out. It’s probably not true, but it sure as hell seems like it. I got left behind.

But I’m not just waiting. I’m doing. Taking positive steps. Applying for jobs and getting jobs and going on interviews. But I am afraid of what I want most if always just beyond my grasp. Even though I do everything right, it could all go wrong anyway. Everyone seems to think I am going to get this job working for the park system. And it’s a great job too. Fast paced but fun. And I already know everyone. The interview went great and I think I am one of the top candidates. I really, really feel good about this job.

But then I remember that my brain is hard wired for negativity.

With every new situation, I think of different ways it could play out. For every positive thought there are five negative thoughts. It just happens that way. Every time. Since… forever.

And when I start feeling negative, I think that people are quietly judging me (because they are) and wondering why I’m 24 and still living with my parents and sharing a room with my brother and can’t hold down a real job that lasts more than 6 months. Well, I did get hired to work for Barnes and Noble, so that was a big plus. But what if they don’t hire me to be full-time? I can’t pay my bills with 20 hours a week. I have to work hard. But that’s only if I don’t get the park job, which I have a good shot at getting (or do I?).

Maybe my negativity seeps out and infects other people? It’s not a preposterous theory. Maybe that’s why bad things keep happening when I least expect them to happen.

“The more I try, the more I cry. But it’s all for the best”

go forth and die

Earlier this evening, I was contacted by Kutztown and was asked to do a “survey”. And at the end of this “survey” (which meant absolutely nothing and merely served as a transition into the real question) she asked me to donate money. How much money? $350 to be exact. I don’t even have $20 in my bank account right now. I politely declined, pointing out that my degree was useless and I can barely get my car fixed. And that was that. I returned to watching Wheel of Fortune and screaming at the t.v. (“Quilted Handbag”! Who the fuck would’ve guess that?)

And then I came across something interesting. And by interesting I mean infuriating. Courtney sent me a link to a website (studentsreview.com) that polls college graduates about their satisfaction with their alma mater and how their degree has made a difference in the real world. Here are some numbers:

• 50% of those surveyed are currently unemployed
• 50% of those surveyed said that their KU education contributed in no way to their career
• KU sports a 28% matriculation rate (meaning only 2,800 of the 10,000 students will ever finish)
• The average salary of a KU alumni after 10 years is $56,667

There are a few things that factor into these findings. One, I have never even heard of this website and can’t really judge how legitimate it is or how they put their numbers together. Two, it’s fucking PA. It’s middle America. Not only are jobs scarce out there, but $50,000 in the Lehigh Valley goes a hell of a lot farther than it does in Monmouth County. Three, it depends on what your degree is in, which is a huge factor. Take Professional Writing for instance. There are lots you can do with a PW degree, provided that it’s 1999 and people still read newspapers. After reading the information, I switched over to The Princeton Review and see what they had to say. And it really wasn’t any better.

But in the end, for what it’s worth, these numbers are fucking pitiful. And they’re asking me for money? Why, so that more than half of the fucking degenerates who go there can drop out? And so that the university can serve sub par food for prices that toe the line of extortion? And so they can inadequately prepare students for a constantly changing environment?

Yeah, deep down I knew that KU was just another dime a dozen state college. But I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, that didn’t matter. I had great references. I had countless hours of (what I thought was) relevant experience. And it pretty much amounted to nothing. Though job prospects are looking better, none of them involve writing in any way. This blog is more or less the only fruit of my labor. Well this, and the yellowing newspaper clippings of articles that I wrote for the newspapers I worked for. Perhaps I’m not trying hard enough, or maybe if you live in PA it’s easier to find a job with a degree from Kutztown. But all I know is that out of all my Professional Writing brethren, very few of us have found a career.

This however, inspired me to start building a time machine… there was a review on the site caught my attention, and it summed up the KU experience better than I could have said myself:

This is not a university. It is just a drunk student town.

“Go forth, be conquered. Go forth and die.”

quoth the raven: i found this amusing

it’s that time of the year again

blow up the outside world

The people on our televisions are trying to kill us. They won’t rest until we are completely divided a nation. They want us to fight each other because wel all believe in different things. They want to push their view on us and brainwash us and feed us misinformation. And while we tear each other apart and lose trust in each other, they make millions. And they’ll die millionares. And we will not progress as citizens or as human beings. We’ll be obsessed with distractions and lose sight of what really matters.

I want to do something about it. Nobody reads or listens to reason any more. What the hell am I supposed to do? Where do I go? Who do I talk to?

life is like a hurricane

robot roll call

I had en epiphany the other day about what I want in my ideal woman. It came about as I was watching an ad for Match.com and how it supposedly cross references things like your “values” and “beliefs” and “character” to other people’s profiles. Well that’s a bit skewed, don’t you think? Unless someone fills out your profile for you, I highly doubt anyone will write in anything negative about themselves. “Hey, I’m a Leo, I like skiing, and a woman’s place is in the kitchen.” Yeahhhhhh.

I mean let’s face it, probably 75% of dating sites are for finding people to fuck. So instead of paying for a website that will only really remind you of how miserable and lonely you are, try this: think of two television shows, movies, or books that you love and your ideal mate has to already love. Then go on Craigslist and save yourself some money and time.

Now, it’s preferred that your picks mean a lot to you. If you try to buckshot it and say your favorite movies are popular fare like Transformers and the last two X-Men movies, you’ll probably get more responses but the quality won’t be as good. Unless of course you actually like those movies… but then you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog if you did.

So I would say that my ideal woman would have to find Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Wonder Showzen funny. I picked these two shows based on their relative obscurity and the fact that they are probably my favorite shows of all time. Arrested Development would’ve also been an acceptable answer. Keep it limited to only two though, for you are not making a “Top 10″ list.

And what ever you do, do not use songs or bands. It’s been done to death.